youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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