I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Blood and glitter go together right?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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