my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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