I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
