i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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