Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
