this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
So much Jack, so little girl.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
