My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
