And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
