I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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