I think i peed on brittanys purse
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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