So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
