i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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