I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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