so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
