I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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