So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
