You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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