shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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