Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
