I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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