Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
