I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
