you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
