he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm too high and old for this...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
