Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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