I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
