I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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