She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
