There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
