Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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