I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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