just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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