how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
