I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
