Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
