hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
