i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Randomize
