Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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