So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
