So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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