I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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