I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
