new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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