so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
