If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
