i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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