at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
