final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
