That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
