Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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