I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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